Monitoring my husband’s diet is a full time job. He’ll convince me potato chips and tim tams are vegetables if he could.
Here are among his many come backs when probed about his vegetable intake:
“I had bak kut teh. Teh is tea. Tea is green. Green equals vege. The end.”
“Didn’t you see the leaf and caramelised onion in my burger? And fries on the side?”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that my fruit and vegetable portions today suffice.”
“I had curry WITH potatoes. Potatoes equal plants which are vegetables. Quota satisfied!”
“Roti telur bawang has bawang (onion), okay? Duh, balanced diet.”
“I had nasi lemak. Everybody knows nasi lemak has timun (cucumber).”
“Spring onion in my Cili pan mee. Aha!”
“I’ve trained my body. Unlike yours, it’s not dependant on fruits and vegetables.”
“Didn’t you see my Chatime grass jelly milk tea? Jelly made of grass! If that isn’t vege, then what is?”
“Its an illuminati ploy. They feed the masses fake information about vegetables needs, then monopolise the market!”
The one and only time he orders a burger with a single leaf- and me, a veggieless one- he gloats about every freaking day.
Upon coming home from work, I remark, “you were supposed to eat the apple in the fridge.”
To which he replies, “fine, I’m not going to lie…”
He takes a deep breath, and address me with a pointed look.
“… The apple reproduced.”
And then we did body shots- with veggie juice.
One of which involves a handstand, another- stupendous balancing, and finally- substantial licking.
Peculiarly, he had no come back.